Nick's jokes

1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

5. Put some M&M's on lay away.

6. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone."

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'

11. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud....."Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!"

1. Stick your open palm under the stall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"

6. Say, "Damn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place, then and sigh loudly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

11. Say, "Interesting, more sinkers than floaters."

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall. Then say, "Whoops. Could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!"

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor, making it visible to the occupant of the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

01. A pizza gets to our house faster than an ambulance.

02. There are handicap parking places in front of skating rinks.

03. Drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

04. People order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

05. Banks leave two sets of front doors unlocked and open and then chain their pens to the counters.

06. We leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

07. We use answering machines to screen calls and then have "call waiting" so we won't miss a call from someone we don't want to talk to in the first place.

08. We buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in package of eight.

09. We use the word "politics" to precisely describe our crazy process: "Poli" in Latin means "many" and "tics" means "bloodsucking creatures".

10. We have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.